Money Shuts Up

I did actually agonize over publishing this one, but I ultimately decided that what I have to say is well, at least worth me saying it so it doesn't rattle around in my head any longer, (I will let you decide whether or not it was worth reading, but don't tell me).

It seems money is a touchy subject for people. For me, not so much. I've been "poor" my whole life. Never had money, probably won't ever have much. The difference for me is, I'm actually okay with it. And I'm not a person that really has a problem saying "I'm broke" or "I can't afford that." I don't find shame in it. In fact, I'm not sure I really want a lot of money. With money comes responsibility, (especially when we realize and live out the philosophy that none of it's ours anyway), and frankly, I'm not a fan of the big "R."

I recently, however, recognized more materialism in my self than I thought really existed. For the second time, I invested hours, (hundreds of hours, actually), into a project. I took a script that I had previously written, added new scenes, characters, music, subplots and then directed and played one of the leads in the production. I did this all without any compensation. Totally free. One hundred percent. And, understand, I am in no way exaggerating the amount of actual time put into it. In fact, when I sat down and figured out the hours between the original production and this one, we're somewhere in the neighborhood of 1000 hours. Granted, I did sell the script, so if I stretch that money out, I have made about 70 cents per hour. Also, if you're wondering, that works out to almost six months at 40 hours a week. This would be nothing, really, if I had one of them fancy jobs where you can take time off and actually still get paid. Well, I'm currently not that lucky. If I don't go to work, I don't make any money.

Here's the deal: The last time around, I was basically, well, screwed, after the show. I was far enough behind that I had to work every possible moment for the next three months to catch up, (and still didn't). So, that was basically, at the time, me going to class, then my internship (20 hours/week), then driving to batesville and working open to close Thursday, friday, saturday, sunday, and monday. (50 hours). Then racing back to Jonesboro and repeating the cycle, (try throwing in 300 pages of reading and writing every week, sounds fun huh?). The problem is, I did all of this with a lot of anger. If another minister had looked at me and said, "thanks for all your hard work," I would've said, "thanks for yours, oh wait, you actually get paid don't you? Enjoy those consistent meals you're getting."

My initial response to the project was a resounding NO, but God had other plans. And He wasn't gentle either. He just started pushing me toward the project until I finally said, "fine. I give up." So along I went, being shoved the whole way. Now, let me say up front, I did actually make it clear to both elders and ministers that, with all the time I was having to take away from work, I would most likely need a little financial help. This was met with guffaws, foot shuffles, and awkward glances. I was as forthcoming as I could be and these men couldn't even look me in the eye. Really?

Now, I've said all of that to say this: do you see my problem? All of this talk completely revolved around me. How it affected me. How I had to struggle. How THEY are the ones with the problem. And don't get me wrong, there is a cultural problem here. As a collective, church people do have a problem talking about money. This is mostly, in my opinion, because they still want to believe the money is theirs even though they know it isn't. And we really don't want to feel guilty or pressured into giving it away.

I had a moment, well, a day actually, where I resented these men, but fortunately I see much more clearly than I did two years ago. And the experience this time, was a completely different one. I came out of it with a much stronger sense of who He has made me and who the people around me really are. Many relationships became so much deeper and new bonds were forged that will become new avenues for ministry. Granted, a couple of relationships became more tenuous, but that has its purpose as well even if I don't see the outcome yet. I saw God. I watched Him move through so many people. I watched Him take a bunch of half-wits and prove His power. This experience has changed me forever, without a doubt.

In the midst of my selfish aftermath, I began reading David Platte's "Radical" once again. I had put it away a year ago because I just wasn't ready for it. Thankfully, Dave was to the rescue that day. He reminded me of the man that went out into the field and found the buried treasure, reburied it, and went home to start selling everything he owned so that he could buy that field. Isn't that each of us? We know where the treasure is, so why aren't we giving all of ourselves in response?

I accept that my investment is a heavenly one and I am more than happy to wait.

That's part of the lesson God is teaching me through this trial. The other part? I'm still waiting to see exactly. Something regarding money, I'm sure. We've covered doubt, sex, drugs, hatred, self-worth, I figure it's time for money.

Please understand, I wouldn't change a thing. Period. And I'm not upset with anyone or even freaking out over the fact that all my current problems seem to be money ones, (call me, we'll talk, oh wait, I can't pay my phone bill). And I will do it again tomorrow if that's what He wants. Now, should there have been at least some value placed on my earthly work? Absolutely. But I can't expect people to be ready when I am. I really don't want to offend anyone, (I'm totally lying, I love stomping on toes), but the truth is that I preached a years' worth of sermons in that production, hundreds saw God move in that theater, hearts were broken and healed simultaneously. And I didn't need a bible degree, a wife, kids, or a diplomatic disposition to do it. I told the story that God wanted me to tell. And He did the rest. So, because I gave in to God's will completely and sacrificially, I don't care about the rest. I truly honestly don't, (I don't think). That selfish part of me wants to say, "your thank yous don't pay my bills." But that is becoming such a minuscule part. The servant part of me says, "send me Lord, I am yours, no matter what."

So keep your chump change, cause I gots me a mansion on a hilltop and I'm bettin' there's a cloud-hopping Mercedes in the garage.