Okay, before I get on with this, I need to explicitly state something that I have previously implied but perhaps some of you have missed. For now, this blog is inherently about me. My struggles. My lessons. I look forward to the day that I significantly reduce the number of personal pronouns used in my writing, but until then I can only put down what God puts on my heart. This is all new to me and so I will make mistakes. I only today have truly realized three things: 1) That something I say or do might actually impact another human being. The idea that someone would actually take me seriously, well, I'm struggling with that concept. 2) My intended audience is those of you who are in the "in between" so to speak. You're not stumbling around in the dark, necessarily, because you recognize God for who He is, but have yet to truly realize His power, grace, glory and how it can flip you and your life on its head, (in a good way). 3) My actual audience is far more diverse and eclectic. From preachers to well, whatever the opposite of a preacher is. There will be times that one side of the spectrum or the other will be lost in what I write or may read into it more than is my intention. For this phenomenon, I will just beg your forgiveness up front because I guarantee you it will happen again.
I titled my first entry "the middle of the beginning....with no end" because that's what all of this is. It is mid-conversation. As much as I try to build a framework for each topic by prefacing or referencing back story or whatever, my entries would be far too long if I went into too much detail. This is about how He has changed me and is continuing to do so. So when I say something along the lines of I don't need this that or the other to be what I am called to be, I am not subversively attacking a person that exists with those qualities. I am stating that this is who I thought I had to be and now realize that it is most certainly not. I'm not attacking those things or judging a person like that, (though I confess, I am chronically "judgy" and I am working on it), I am showing you, the "in between," that you don't have to fit some mold either. God wants to take hold of you right where you are. You don't have to move or even flinch. In fact, He'd prefer it if we'd just let Him control every muscle group, (especially the ones involving the mouth and hands).
Last night, I received an email from a best friend who was deeply hurt by what I wrote. I read this email while I was at work and I couldn't tell you a single thing I did or said from that point on. I was on auto-pilot. I just kept saying over and over in my head, "what have I done? what have I done?" While I do want to challenge you, push you, press a little hard on a tender spot, even anger you a bit, I don't ever want to inflict a personal wound like that, (so if I ever do, I expect to you to confront me).
Something funny happened, though, during my panic. I realized that I cared. As many of you can attest from experience, I have been a person who says what he wants and if you don't like it, it's your problem. Build a bridge and get on over it. Granted, much of that frankness and willingness to talk about the elephant in the room is alive and well within me, but never before have I felt like someone else's hurt was my hurt.
Let me tell you about my friend. He's a Galatians 6 kind of friend. Verse 2 says, "carry each others' burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." We have known each other for, well, like 57 years, but only since I moved to Jonesboro two and a half years ago did we truly begin a friendship. For the record, it has not been easy. We are totally different people. I am an open book mostly, emotional, outspoken, back and forth, up and down, anything but stable. He is reserved, thoughtful, careful, and steady. We have two completely different world views and have led two drastically different lives. In any given situation, if I'm attacking it head on at full speed, I can almost guarantee you he's gently backing into it from the opposite side.
When our journey, (hike up the mountain, really), started back then, I was still in a very dark place, battling the ugliest of demons who were daily ripping at my flesh to get to my soul. While I had some good days, for the most part I was in pitch black, sitting in a pool of my own blood, screaming for help. I lashed out. A lot. And often, it was my friend who was at the receiving end of it. Partly because he was the embodiment of everything I thought I had to be and I resented him for it. Some days, I wanted to hate him for it. The other reason was because I didn't trust him, so I tested him. Constantly. I've pulled this trick with every man in my life and that goes back to a lot of childhood crap that I am sure I will cover at some point, but not today.
During this journey, he has been steadfast. Some seasons he has been more present than others. Sometimes he was there, sometimes he knew I needed to work through something on my own, sometimes he would walk away to avoid one of my tantrums or to let me pout on my own, (yes, it is possible to put another grown up in timeout). Sometimes he stayed away for his own sanity and safety to ensure my darkness didn't take him over. He did this without saying much, he's not much of a sharer in the conventional sense. But sometimes, I would come home from having worked out of town 4 or 5 days straight and my yard would be mowed. Little notes or texts from him and his wife would pop up at the perfect moment to say, in many different ways, " I see you, I see your hurt, you will get through this, you are not alone."
I added so much extra weight to his load for a long time. I complicated situations, I demanded attention, I put so much responsibility on him because I couldn't do it on my own. And he carried it. He carried me.
This morning, we met and walked around the park together, (I confess, I chose this because I wanted multiple exit strategies), and we talked. We discussed a lot of different things. He questioned me and I was more than willing to answer. We laughed at ourselves and we talked in a way that we really haven't before. He gave me trust and respect by showing me his heart and I am forever humbled by that gift. Granted, he told me what he thought and I took it. I relished in it actually.
That's the funny thing about Godly relationships. No matter what the other person is saying, when you know how much they love you and are invested in you, you soak in everything they're saying with joy in your heart. My friend did this and all the while walking a hilly road with traffic, passers by, other distractions, and being the one to step off into the mud when necessary so that I didn't have to. That is my friend. That is who God made him to be. While the walk this morning had its own moments with steep inclines that had to be pushed through, it was a respite from the hike we've been on for what seems like forever, but our hike continues.
You see, when God puts you on His path, stands you up, dusts you off, and gives you a chance to look around, you find His people. The people whose hearts are filled with His grace, patience, compassion, joy, and so much of it all that they can't help but share it. I am grateful for those people because they have become my family. God gives to completion and one way is through His people and, in this respect, I am the richest person alive. Today, specifically, I am grateful for this particular friend for being everything I couldn't be for myself. On this journey, you have pushed me up the hill and kept me from stumbling down the other side, you've nourished my soul, you've lighted the path in the dark. Though I pray no darkness ever comes your way, if it does, I promise that I will be there, by your side, flashlight in hand.
No comments:
Post a Comment