Go Go Speed Racer

About three weeks ago I decided to take up running once again. It's amazing that I could put that concept into a simple sentence considering most days I have trouble even walking very far. You see, I have not been very kind to this old body and now I am paying for it, dearly. I have the knees of someone twice my age, lungs that still need a while to rebound, and neck/shoulder problems that remind me every morning of their existence. Did I forget to mention the extra forty pounds I'm carrying and the insane amount of drugs I did in my twenties?

That first morning, I set out into the streets of my neighborhood, timing my attempt so that most people would be gone to work or school which reduced the number of witnesses to what I had already decided would be an epic fail. There is this one route I can take all the way around my subdivision that is .66 miles. I figured that would be my best bet. So I took off walking at a pretty fast pace, listening to my Andrew Peterson Pandora station and thinking I needed a headband, some of those awful 70's shorts, (you know the ones), and daring any senior speed walker to challenge me. I didn't get halfway through the first lap before I realized there was a short in my ear buds. No more music. But I pressed on. After the first lap I decided to run. I made it about 200 yards before my body was screaming WHAT, gasp, ARE, gasp, YOU, gasp/almost vomit, DOING!!!??? So I returned to walking. Once I concluded that some poor old lady wouldn't find me in the early stages of rigor mortis outside her front door, I attempted running again. Same result.

At this point, even though I kept walking, I verbally abused myself for the next two laps. Every ounce of drugs. Every hamburger. Every cigarette. Every morning wasted by giving into depression. By the time I had finished a little over 2 miles, I hated myself so much that I couldn't even recognize that what I had just done was good.

That attitude of self-hate has been my mantra for as long as I can remember. Since before puberty I have never seen myself as having any value, any purpose, any attribute that was worth while. I deserved every hurt, every wrong, every bit of wrath that has been poured out on me. I am weak, ugly, stupid, lazy.................

The first time I read Henri Nouwen's Life of the Beloved, (thank you Jimmy Adcox), I thought it was a lovely concept. I wanted to believe what Nouwen says: "We are intimately loved long before our parents, teachers, spouses, children or friends loved or wounded us. That's the truth or our lives. That's the truth I want you to claim for yourself. That's the truth spoken by the voice that says, 'you are my beloved.'" But I couldn't let go of what I knew to be true: no one could ever love me like that.

Looking back, I think I now understand, (a little), that I clung to this belief because it was all I ever knew. It sounds strange, but it was my solace, my comfort because it was my foundation. Whatever core values we have, right or wrong, healing or destructive, they are ours and they are as important as breathing.

There is no easy path forward, let me tell you. It is grueling and mostly feels impossible. And there's really nothing you can do, except wait on Him. The most important thing I have come to understand is that I can do nothing. NOTHING. I cannot ever earn the right or deserve to be His beloved. I've heard people say before that God will take 99 steps and all you gotta do is take 1. I'm here to tell you THAT'S not even true.
He will take 99 and carry you the 1.

The funny thing is, I'm in some strange way grateful for my self-hatred. We are all nothing without Him. Wretched, lost, evil, selfish, ugly creatures. I have zero value on my own, (can you truly honestly say that about yourself? Or do you assign certain adjectives to your self view?), but in Christ, I am BELOVED.

Do I still get down on myself? Daily. Do I regret all of the ways that I tried to destroy my life? Of course. But when that happens, I sing a line from my good buddy Andrew Peterson: "I am a Prince and a Priest in the Kingdom of God."

(I have another point to make in reference to my running story, but I figure this is more than enough for now)