We are........family?

Family. There isn’t any great definition for it. There are a number of organizations around that claim non-profit status, take your money under the guise of fighting for the “traditional” family, when really all they do is promote bigotry and self-righteousness, (just so you know, I pretty much despise the word “traditional” as much as I hate the word “doctrinal” as neither of them rarely move us forward).

Not too long ago, a group of friends and I slowly came to the realization that we are living in community. We are involved in each other’s lives and invested in one another. These are the people that I consider my family.  This motley crew is comprised of many family units who are in varying places on their journey and, on the surface, don’t seem to have a great deal in common. So, why does this group work? We share a hunger for something more, something greater than ourselves.

I’m sure you were all thinking that I was going to say God. And on one level, that is true, but it over-simplifies. I worship with a church of roughly a thousand people and God is my common denominator with them. Sadly, it is also as far as most of those relationships will ever go because most church-goers still live in the American ideal of church and not in the intended close-knit, interdependent family of believers that the church is supposed to be.

Unfortunately, the American standard of Christianity has been boiled down to a few simple ingredients that don’t come anywhere near what God wanted for his children. An unintended consequence of this and the American lifestyle that has been allowed to infect the church is isolationism. In this age of inter-connectedness, we have become so distant from each other. I will be the first to admit that I don’t know a single one of my neighbors. There’s apparently an older gentleman that lives next door to me on whom I have never laid eyes. I came home last night to find a family moving in to the house on the other side of me that I didn’t even realize was empty, (their midnight move-in does have me hoping that maybe they’re in witness protection or something).

This isolationism has left us indistinguishable from the society in which we live. We operate with this attitude of, “it’s my business,” or “that’s my kid,” or “it’s my life.” It isn’t that there isn’t any truth in those statements, but when you live in community, the “traditional” family ideal is obliterated and you come to understand that no one spouse or set of kids can provide everything for each other. Yes, parents, I’m talking to you. No, you cannot provide everything your child needs to become who they are. You need other parents, mentors, even other children. In short, you need to expand your idea of family.

I should also state that we don’t live in a commune. Not that I am against it. I am all for communal living provided there is no kool-aid or stock-piling of weapons. I would love nothing more than my friends and I to buy out a cul de sac, but proximity is not a prerequisite for community and in no way ensures or improves the likelihood of success.

This concept of community has really hit us hard lately as we’ve been dealing with a lot of hurt and grief and learning how to love and support each other as new paths are chosen and some relationships change or even end. The beauty of our current situation is the openness of my friend’s hearts, homes, and resources as we each grow through these tough times. What it has really done is solidify our commitment to each other. It is a thing of wonder to look at my friend’s children and know that I will be alongside them as they laugh, cry, hurt. I will be there as they grow.

I encourage all of you to seek out those that can be intimately involved in your life. I pray that God will lead you to people that you can trust to be your partners on this crazy, exhausting journey. The greater question is: are you willing to be a part? Living in community is not easy. It requires commitment, engagement and an enormous amount of grace. Quite often, it is about serving the needs of those in your family that, in truth, you’d rather not be bothered with. At those times, will you get in there and be a part of the fight, the struggle, the ugliness, or will you say, “I’m staying out of that drama.”

The whole purpose God wants us to realize by living in community is that it is a model, a training ground, for how we serve the world. If we cannot learn to be interdependent and give all we have to each other, how then, can we be truly prepared to change the world?