Stormy Weather

There's just something about summer rain that I love. These are the special rainstorms where the sun is still shining bright and we respond to those heavy drops of nourishment with a smile. We had our first one of the year here yesterday and I greeted it gladly while I closed my eyes, looked up toward the heavens and thanked Him for the much needed blessing and the peace that these showers bring to me.

Blessings. 

This is a topic that, while we sort of understand it, we don't react the way we should for the most part. It is our selfish nature to make our Christianity all about us. Christ died for me. I'm not saying this isn't true, but I now understand that it is incomplete. Yes, Christ died so that we may be saved AND through our salvation reveal the glory of God to all the earth. What makes you think your blessings aren't the same? Psalm 67 says, "May God be gracious to us and bless us; look on us with favor SO THAT Your way may be known on earth, your salvation among all nations."

Over the past couple of years God has been overhauling me. My broken heart, my broken spirit, my lack of understanding Him and His purpose. One of the big hurdles for me was trying to comprehend grace, (as much as we mere mortals can, that is). What I came to understand was that grace doesn't just stop with me. He doesn't give us grace, He gives grace to the world through us. The same can be said of any of the virtues as well: patience, joy, wisdom, mercy. These are all gifts that we ask for and, once we've received them, should be spread to all those around us. Sadly, I think we fail at this more than we succeed.

The same principle should be applied to all the extrinsic gifts God has given you as well. Did He give you a spouse? Then you honor Him through how you treat them, support them, exalt them, love them. Did He give you children? Then you better follow Max Lucado's lead and lift them back up to Him. Your house? Your car? Your money? Your health? In what ways is the glory of God being shown through the blessings He has given you? Are you playing safe with your blessings, (yes, you probably are), or are you giving til it hurts/scares you? And I'm not talking about what you give to your church, either, (but I will be driving that bus sometime this week), I'm referring to the people you encounter on a daily basis. What are you giving them? Whoops! Wrong question. What would God give them? I have much more to say on this, but I will save it for another day. But I hope that you will pray about your hangups, your own selfishness, and how the world could truly see God if we truly stepped out on faith.

I will praise You in this storm, too.

We talk a lot about the storms of life. The trials. The rough stuff. We talk about how these times refine us and bring us closer to Him. All of this is absolutely true. I've lived it. Repeatedly. 

But what about the other times? When the sun's still shining and yet He is teaching us, still. Nourishing us. Are we searching and listening as closely during these times as we do when we are hurting? Most likely not. We are a fickle bunch whose emotions can influence our choices. This spiritual "summer rain" is a place I've seen many get caught off guard by satan. 

When things are good, we relax and, naturally, we are less diligent about our communication with God. Our prayers are less frequent and less intense, our spiritual disciplines become an afterthought. 

I haven't had many times like this in my life to be honest and certainly am not there right now. In fact, I don't think I'll know how to react when it happens again. That moment where you exhale all the crap and you have such joy for all the amazing things God has done, (I confess I'm still short of breath most of the time). Chances are I will end up in the midst of an ugly cry again, so just call me a modern day Margery Kempe and stop staring!

What I wish for you my friends is that whatever rainstorm in which you currently find yourself, whether dark as night or bright as day, take the time to be still, lift your face and hands to the sky, allow the rain to completely drench you, to nourish you, because it's all for His glory, not ours.

Pick me! Pick me!

I was never picked first in elementary school. Most of the time it was close to last or, on a few occasions, dead last. It wasn't that I completely sucked at sports, well except dodgeball. I never understood dodgeball, but if you'd given me a sport where I could chase people with a bat instead of an awkward-sized rubber ball, I most certainly would've excelled. I think it's because I've always been an unknown variable. Consistency is not exactly my strong suit to say the least.

This, "never being picked first" curse has followed me my entire life. Having been passed over for jobs or promotions, never getting the role I really wanted, rarely being asked my opinion on important matters, this did little to validate me. Even in the moments I have had a little success, I felt like it was in someone else's shadow. In turn, I have always behaved however I wanted. It's not like anyone was paying attention, right?

The further away I get from the values of the world and closer to understanding the life God wants for me, the less I am bothered by my curse. Don't get me wrong, I'm still hoping that someday I will walk into a room full of people who adore me, cheering and clapping and throwing confetti with Whitney Houston on stage belting out "One Moment In Time," (obviously this dream needs an update), but I can laugh at myself now. I accept that this life isn't about me at all. It's about God using me to reveal His own power and glory. To take someone so shattered by this world and recreate him into an instrument of grace and love is something only God can do and for which only He can be given praise.

It's painful, no doubt. Much like a doctor must re-break a bone that has healed wrong, God had to re-break my heart so that He could perfectly mend it. The result of this, you ask? His clever plan for me to be completely, 100%, no holds barred, dependent upon Him. This has taken the conversations in our relationship to a whole new level which is exhilarating and exhausting all at once.

We argue daily. And I get so frustrated that I can't see my path forward yet, but He is teaching me to trust Him completely. For someone that has never actually trusted another living soul since the day his mother died almost 26 years ago, this is no easy achievement. In "Life of the Beloved," Henri Nouwen writes about a choice we make through the healing, reconciliation, and realization processes: "It is here that we are faced with the freedom to make a decision. We can decide to be grateful or to be bitter. We can decide to recognize our chosenness in the moment or we can decide to focus on the shadow side."

As easily as bitterness comes to me, I fight it with prayer and praise because, while my dry, cynical wit is still an obvious card I play in social situations, there is no room for the seeds of sour grapes in this new heart He's given me and filled with His spirit.

Of course I struggle. I haven't finished a blog in over a week because I couldn't get over myself and my own feelings of doubt and frustration. But today, among other good things and people, a friend, (an AMAZING friend at that), texted me this:

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I have read this repeatedly for the past couple of hours. Actually, I'm clinging to it like a toddler with a security blanket, because, well, I'm human and giving up my own life and my own say in the direction of that life is, well, completely and utterly terrifying.

But that's what it takes. Total surrender. Asking to be chosen last. To be made least. There is no other way.

So take heart my fellow dodgeball failures! God's got a plan for your mad skills.

And for those of you who've been hogging the spotlight, be careful, it can blind you to the truth.